Isabella Potter?
by blinky48
Summary: Bella joins Hogwarts, and soon after, the rest of the Cullens arrive. Dumbledore and Carlisle have been sneaking around, speaking about something which involves Harry and Bella. Emmett is thoroughly confused about Potions. A lot of mix ups and pair ups
1. The Cullens at Hogwarts! WHY!

**A/N: If you review for this story, I would really appreciate it. It's a bit random at times, which is the whole point in order to make it humorous. Please r&r**

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I grabbed my coat and ran over to Edward's parked Volvo with a sense of urgency. Apparently, something was terribly wrong, and he wasn't telling me what it was yet. Once I opened the door of his car, he growled impatiently and grabbed at my arm.

"Edward!" I shouted.

"I'm sorry Bella, but you are taking too long," he snapped. Edward then pulled me into the car and ordered me to lock the door.

"Stop shouting at me!" I said angrily.

"Stop being so _slow_," he said through gritted teeth.

"I am only human you know," I said, giving him a death glare.

Edward rolled his golden eyes. "You are being unreasonable at the moment Bella. Already you are arguing when you do not even know the whole story yet."

"That's easy for you to say!" I cried out defensively. "I don't even know any part of the story."

"Well you'll know in a minute," he said.

I raised an eyebrow and gave him a baffled look. "What do you mean?"

"Alice sent Charlie a note saying that you were not coming home for today," Edward said simply. "You are to stay with us, no complaints."

"Stay with you?" I repeated.

"Yes."

I smiled a bit at the thought of staying with Edward for the night without Charlie. Maybe, I could finally have my way with him! He was being so stubborn about the whole love making aspect of our relationship.

"Then let's get going!" I shouted happily.

Edward gave me a very suspicious look, but then turned his attention onto his car. He started it quickly and pulled out of the school's driveway. Not long after, we were on the highway, driving steadily. I gazed out the window for a while, silently watching the rain drops fall from the gray clouds above Forks. What a god awful place to live, but what can I do? Edward and his family are comfortable here and wherever Edward goes, my heart will follow after him.

"We're here," he suddenly said.

In a flash, Edward, parked the car in front of his pretty house and pushed me out the door of the passenger's seat.

"Holy hell!" I spat. "What was that for!?"

"Again with the slowness," he grunted.

I rolled my eyes at him and ran towards the Cullen home. Of course Edward beat me to it; stupid beautiful Vampire. God I love him.

The door opened before I even reached; Alice stood at the entrance with a lovely sunflower yellow dress. It only complimented her pixie like figure even more.

"Right on time," she said in a bored tone. "We have a guest."

"I already know that," Edward snapped. "Is the guest _here _right now?"

I was utterly confused by now; I was standing right here.

"Erm…I'm here Edward, you know that," I said.

"Bella, stop being so conceited," he said indifferently. "We're not talking about you."

"Yeah Bella, go in a hole and die," Alice said.

My eyes grew wider as I stared at the pair of them. Why were they being so mean to me?

"Alice…what d-did I do?" I stuttered.

"First of all, you exist," she said, "which is a big insult to mankind…or any species…"

I could feel tears beginning to form in my eyes. "Edward! Why are you not sticking up for me?"

Edward was completely interested in his fingernails. He scrutinized them thoroughly; he didn't even pay attention to me!

"Edward?"

"Bella, why don't you stop your whiny bitching," he finally said. "Nobody likes you. In fact, I don't even know why I put up with you at all. I can't even get some from you; you never shut up long enough. I should have just eaten you and got it over with."

"What!" I screamed. "I thought you loved me you jerk!"

"No I don't love _you_," Edward said with a cruel beautiful laugh. "More like that ass of yours…but then again you have nothing behind there."

"B-but.." I said, crying now.

Jasper suddenly appeared by Alice's side.

"Is the whore whining again?" he asked.

I opened my mouth and then closed it…what the hell was going on here?

"No," Alice said. "She's bitching, there's a difference you silly lovemonkey."

"I love it when you call me that," Jasper purred.

"Lovemonkey," she hissed.

Jasper pulled Alice up off her feet and slammed her against the door's frame; they were kissing fiercely.

"Don't let me miss all the fun," Edward said with a chuckle.

Next thing I knew, he took his shirt off, revealing his perfectly built abs. He turned to face me and said, "You're not allowed in this threesome, only people with asses…and Vampires who sparkle: which is not you."

I gaped at him as he pried Jasper off of Alice and launched himself on top of her. I screamed and began to pull at my hair. What was going on here? Was Edward going to leave me???? I began to hyperventilate at the thought while Emmett ran around in a cow costume going "Mooooo". I screamed as loud as I could….completely freaked out by what was happening…

"Bella! Bella, wake up!"

I felt someone shaking me…but I couldn't be shaking…I wasn't part of the threesome..

"Bella get up!"

"No…" I whispered sleepily. "No…Emmett I will not be a rooster."

"Bella? Why would you be a rooster? Oh that doesn't matter! GET UP!"

My eyes flew open as I bolted myself upright on the bed. I panted and squinted through the darkness. So it was all just a dream; thank god! I quickly turned to see who woke me up. The sight of bushy brown hair met my gaze; it was Hermione.

"'Mione," I said in a relieved tone. "Thank goodness. I dreamt that I was back in Forks and that Edward left me to have an orgy with Alice and Jasper!"

Hermione shook her head impatiently, her large brown curls moving as she did so. "Bella, stop worrying about Edward leaving you, and why were you mooing in your sleep?"

"Emmett was a cow," I muttered embarrassedly.

"I see," Hermione said. "And I take it that you were one too?"

"Shut up," I said, turning red.

"Well..look what you've done. Parvati and Lavender are about to be awake."

Parvati and Lavender both made groaning noises, but didn't wake up.

"Oh..forget it then," Hermione said. "Well Bella, ever since you came to Hogwarts for the first time, all you did was whine and complain about your Edward. I bet he's not even that good looking."

"No Hermione, he is beautiful," I said in awe. "He has such great hair. It's all bronze and shiny."

Hermione raised an eyebrow at me and tut tutted for a while. She then whispered "_Silly_" under her breath.

"Go to sleep," Hermione said aloud. "It will help you clear your mind. Just take a rest darling."

"Okay," I said with a yawn.

I then rolled over and closed my eyes, praying that I would not see Emmett in a pig's costume next.

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(next morning)

I went down to breakfast with Hermione. She made me sit between Potter and Weasley. Ron was eating, as usual, while Harry gave me a nice smile. I felt my heart flutter slightly from the gesture; he has such pretty green eyes: too bad he wears those hideous glasses over them.

"Would you like some toast Bella?" Harry asked me.

"Sure," I said with a grin.

Hermione, who had the latest issue of the _Daily Prophet _in her hands, began to scan each page carefully. She flipped the paper open and gasped slightly.

"Whatzamater," Ron said, his mouth fool of porridge.

I rolled my eyes at him, he was being quite disgusting…but he does have such lovely red hair. It's so pretty, and flamey.

"It looks like we're getting another new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher," Hermione whispered. "It says right here that the old one was arrested for being suspected of helping out the Death Eaters."

"Ohnose," Ron said, his mouth now full of the toast Harry had given me.

"Yes!" Hermione said. "I think Dumbledore might make an announcement."

She was correct. In that exact moment, Dumbledore got up off of his chair in the teachers table and turned to face the crowd in the Great Hall. He cleared his throat rather loudly and waited for the chatter to die down. After everyone realized he wanted to speak, they all shut up.

"If you have read the _Daily Prophet_, you would have recognized that our beloved Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher has been arrested," he said, his blue eyes twinkling behind his half moon spectacles. "Of course we had to make an emergency replacement. Thankfully, I knew of someone who was always ready to jump at _any _of my requests."

I looked around slightly to see if anybody else was at the teachers table that did not usually belong there. Hmm…………there was Snape, Trelawney, McGonagall, Flitwick, Sinistra, **Carlisle**, Hagrid…wait…there was someone who did not belong there! What the hell was Trelawney doing down here? She usually skulked around in her teaching room up in the North Tower. She looked like a complete mess, especially since she was sitting next to Carlisle, who of course was beautifully perfect. His sleek blond hair was such a great contrast to Trelawney's wild mane.

"Our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is none other than Carlisle Cullen, a dear old friend of mine," Dumbledore said.

"Bella!" Hermione cried out. "That's Edward's stepfather, right?"

I blinked several times before looking at Hermione. "Yeah….yeah that is him! Oh mee gosh, why is he here?"

Ron snorted.

"Oh mee gosh?" he said mockingly (there is no food in his mouth anymore). "What is that, some kind of new girl language?"

"Shut it Weasley," I sneered at him.

"He will be taking over classes now," Dumbledore said, interrupting our little spat. "He and his family are of course, Vampires. However this is of little importance, as his family only hunts and drinks the blood of animals. His family is to stay with us and attend class as well. They have already been privately sorted earlier on into the House in which they will be staying. As for Carlisle and his wife, they will be staying in the castle."

There was a murmur of ooohs and aaaahs that went through the crowd as each of the younger Cullens entered. First were Jasper and Alice: Jasper of course looked lovely with his dirty honey blonde hair and lean muscular figure while Alice looked gorgeous in her tiny form with her short cropped black hair. They appropriately seated themselves at the Hufflepuff table, right next to the short little girl named Hannah. Before Alice sat down, she waved at me enthusiastically.

Next to pass through the entrance were Rosalie and Emmett. Rosalie was as beautiful as always, her long flowing blond hair moving perfectly along with her strides. Emmett walked dutifully by her side and gave me a lopsided grin. He looked almost as big as some of the bulky seventh year boys. I gasped unexpectedly as I watched him seat himself next to Rosalie at the Slytherin table.

They must have sorted Rosalie first and she must have landed herself in Slytherin; that is probably why he was in that house. I think he may have asked the hat to put him there for the sake of being with Rosalie.

Of course, the last person to walk in was my beloved Edward. He moved the quickest out of everyone. Several of the girls throughout the Great Hall giggled as he moved past them. I sighed along with some of them. I did not blame them, he was quite a beautiful sight to behold. His short bronze hair was tousled into perfection, his pale god like body shone through the hideous Hogwarts robes he donned.

I waited in anticipation as he slowly walked past the Ravenclaw table. I could feel my heart thumping with jealousy, because in that exact moment, that whore Cho Chang gave him a smile. To my surprise, he returned the smile! I grabbed at my fork and began to squeeze it tightly. Edward wouldn't cheat on me with that stupid girl…there was no way he would.

Unsurprisingly, Edward stopped at the Gryffindor table. He stared at me incuriously. I remembered that he could not read my mind; he was probably trying to see if our absence from each other may have somehow tampered with that.

"Yo, you're Edward right," Ron said. "Bells won't shut up about you."

I stuck my tongue out at Ron before watching Edward shyly. Harry seemed a bit unnerved by the fact that he was here.

"Yes I am Edward," he said kindly. "You must be the Weasley she speaks most highly of; and you must be Harry."

Edward's gaze stopped short of Harry's direction. His golden eyes rested momentarily on Harry' thin lighten bolt shaped scar.

I suddenly nudged Hermione and said, "Move over! He needs somewhere to sit."

Hermione rolled up her newspaper and glared at me. "I will _not _move over so your Vampire of a boyfriend can sit next to you."

"Hermione," I pleaded. "I haven't been with him in a while!"

"It's been one night since we first came back!" she snapped. "He may be alright looking, but that does not mean I will submit to some tall, sparkling, Adonis like-"

"Ehem, you know I am standing right here," Edward said with an amused smile.

"So?" Hermione snapped. "What, you want me to move for you to? Well too bad. Go find your own seat."

"Don't be so mean," I said, frowning. "Please…I promise I will help you with those elf hats! And…and…I'll give you some money for S.P.E.W…and…I don't know…Edward will give you some as well!"

Hermione shook her head impatiently and buried herself back in the _Daily Prophet_. I groaned unappreciatively. Edward merely smiled.

"I'll just sit in between Potter and Weasley, if that is not too much to ask from you two," he said kindly.

"No mate, it's fine with me," Ron said. "But you have to promise not to eat my food."

"Honestly Ron," Hermione said, her eyes still on the newspaper. "He's a Vampire."

"Just saying..." Ron said.

"How about you Harry, are you alright with Edward sitting next to you?" I asked him, interrupting Ron.

Harry grunted as his response. Within a few moments, Edward was perfectly situated in between Ron and Harry. He sat directly across from me.

"Edward this is perfect," I said. "You're in Gryffindor with me! We can be together all year around."

"Yes that sounds wonderful," he replied.

I watched him watch the others eat with a great interest. Edward looked a bit discomforted; it must have been from all the food he smelled around him.

"Are you thirsty?" I then asked him.

"Not at all love," he said, still looking a bit disgruntled.

I stared at him curiously. Maybe it wasn't the food that was brothering him…

I was about to ask him if this was so, until Ginny Weasley interrupted me. She walked up to me from her end of the table and handed me a little scroll.

"Er…Ginny?" I said before she got a chance to leave. "What the hell is this?"

"Professor Dumbledore wants to meet you before you get to class," she said. "Go open it and see what the timing of your meeting is." She then moved her way back to the seat she was in.

"Oh," I said.

Edward frowned slightly. "Why would he want to meet up with you?"

"I don't know," I said.

I opened the scroll and stared down at the words written.

_Dear Ms. Swan_

_I wish to meet with you in my office after breakfast. Leave the Gryffindor table at around ten. I will be waiting for you outside of the entrance to my study._

I bit my bottom lip and shook my head. "I have no idea what he wants; it just says to meet him up at his office at ten after I am done with breakfast."

"Well then," Edward said. "You should eat quickly and go up there."

I nodded my head as I dug my fork into a pancake. I silently wondered what Dumbledore could have possibly wanted from me…

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(Dumbledore's Office)

I sat in the vacant seat in front of Professor Dumbledore's desk. He watched me as I stumbled slightly before successfully seating myself.

"As you know Miss Swan, I requested this specific meeting between the two of us," Dumbledore mused.

"Yes," I replied. I could not help but wonder how old he truly was. He must be really old, especially with that long silver beard and knotty hands of his…

"This meeting of ours regards your friend, Harry," he said. "Harry has been behind in his school work ever since last year. I was wondering if it would not be too much to ask if you could help Harry with his studies."

I raised an eyebrow at this. Why would he ask me to do this? Hermione was much more intelligent than me.

"Um..Professor.."

"Why have I not asked Miss Granger this?" he said calmly, "Because she does not have all of the same classes as Harry. If you recall, you and Harry both expressed an interest of wanting to be Aurors; therefore, you two both took the same subjects. This, I say, is much easier."

"I see," I said. "So…"

"You are free to go now, that is all I needed to say," Dumbledore said.

"I tell Harry this?" I asked.

"But of course Miss Swan," he replied.

"Alright…" I said still feeling really confused.

I slowly got up off of the seat and made my way out of his office. What an interesting turn of events…so I had to help Harry witch school? He had been slacking for a while now, but so was Ron. It didn't make any sense, but I wasn't going to argue with the headmaster of the school.

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(Dumbledore's P.O.V)

Once Miss Swan left my office, Carlisle dutifully stepped out of shadows and shook his head.

"I still do not understand," he said. "You think Bella and Harry will fall in love?"

"It's part of the prophecy," I said quietly. "She is the only one he could ever truly love."

Carlisle frowned. "What about Edward? He will be heartbroken."

"Yes, but what else can we do?" I asked. "It will happen sooner or later, and it would be better if it was sooner. It's also part of why Bella was accepted into Hogwarts. That was no coincidence."

"I understand," Carlisle said sadly. "I just wish that Edward didn't have to suffer because of this."

"Alas dear Carlisle, I wish the same as well," I whispered. "You of course will do all that you can to help this coupling?"

"If that is what you ask of me then yes I will do all that I can to assure Bella and Harry's union."

"Thank you my friend," I said.

"Not a problem Albus," he said with a smile. "Of course I must leave now. I have a class to teach."

Carlisle then left in a quick flash. I sighed slightly; I hoped that this plan of mine would work for sure. Of course it was quite upsetting that poor Edward would be left with no one…

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(Bella's P.O.V)

I walked alongside Edward down into the dungeons. He wasn't too happy that I was being told to help Harry in school. It made him a bit jealous.

"Why do you have to do it though?" he hissed once we seated ourselves in Potions class.

"I told you already!" I shouted at him.

"I still don't understand…"

"Eddy!" called Emmett's gruff voice. "You're in this class too? No way! That makes me, you, Jazz, Alice, and Rose! We're all here."

I snorted at his comment. It seemed quite convenient that he forgot me.

"Hello?" I said. "What about me!"

"Oh yeah and the snack," Emmett said less enthusiastically. "Hi there skinny."

I gritted my teeth and was ready to say something rude to him, but Harry interrupted me by slamming his books next to mine. Ron and Hermione followed suit.

"I still can't believe Dumbledore thinks I need extra help," he hissed. "I mean…Ron is dimmer than me."

"Hey!" Ron said. "Look at the pretty colors on this book. Did you make them Harry?"

"Point made," Harry said gruffly.

"It's not so bad," I whispered.

"Yes it is," Edward said.

"BOO-YAH!" Emmett shouted; he made a perfect hole in his pewter cauldron.

"Fifteen points from Gryffindor," Snape's voice drawled from behind the shadows of the dungeons.

Right after, the Potions Master entered the room slyly. He was really tall and skinny and ugly too. His greasy short black hair fell past his ears in a horrible manner.

"But we didn't do anything," Harry said. "Emmett was the one who made all the noise."

"Then I should award Slytherin House fifteen points," he said.

In the corner, that stupid, but oddly adorable, Draco Malfoy grinned cutely from this.

"But sir, what did I do to deserve these points?" Emmett asked.

"I didn't award you the points," Snape said sarcastically. "It was given because of the other abnormally large Vampire in this room."

"Oh," Emmett said, blinking twice. He then looked around a bit, apparently trying to find the other mysterious abnormally large Vampire.

Snape shook his head and muttered, "Why is my house full of idiots?"

I smiled and tried not to laugh. To my surprise, I noticed that Hermione's hand was up in the air.

"What do I owe to this displeasure Miss Granger," Professor Snape said icily.

"I think it is very unfair that you took points away from us Sir," she said. "If you are giving Slytherin points for the very thing you thought we did, why would you still take our points?"

"Because I have the authority to do so," he said quietly. "I don't need little bushy haired brats telling me how to do my job."

Hermione looked completely taken aback; tears began to form in her eyes.

"She was only stating what is right!" Edward shouted defensively. "You should not be abusive of your power!"

"Another five points from Gryffindor," Snape said indifferently.

Edward looked as if he was ready to argue against it, but I kicked Edward's leg very hard, forgetting that it was as hard as marble stone. That was a big mistake on my part….

"HOLY MOTHER FUCKING SHIT!" I screamed. "OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR LEG MADE OUT OF!?"

My leg was throbbing as pain began shooting up and down it. Edward busted out laughing while Emmett said, "So that's what we're doing now? Yelling out random things? My turn! CHEESE FUCKERS!"

"Emmett!" Rosalie shouted.

"Sorry babe," he said with a grin.

Edward tried to stifle his laughter as Snape said in a low and dangerous tone, "Another ten points I think, and detention for you Miss Swan."

"KISS MY ARSE!" Harry suddenly shouted.

I stared at him unexpectedly, and Snape's upper lip curled. "Ten points from Gryffindor once again, and detention for you as well."

Edward completely stopped laughing and gave Harry a mutinous glare.

Why did Harry just do that? He had no reason for shouting such a ridiculous statement.

"Now that you are all done misbehaving," Snape said curtly, "I think that it is time to officially start the class."

He waved his wand once and a small blackboard appeared. "You will follow the instructions on this board." He then waved his wand a second time, lines written in chalk appeared. "This is the potion used to create a Hiccupping Solution. It is quite easy to make; I doubt that any of you dunderheads will get it right at all."

"Sir I have a question!" Emmett said, waving his hand around.

"What is it now!?" Snape hissed.

"What's a hiccup?" he asked, giving a look of extreme concentration.

"Get to work Mr. Cullen!" Snape shouted. "You don't need to know what it is! Just make the solution!"

"Okay," Emmett said simply.

I laughed as I watched Emmett examine the perfect hole in his cauldron. While he waved his hand in the air once again in order to inform Snape that his cauldron was handicapped, I couldn't help but wonder what my time in detention with Harry would be like.

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(Snape's Detention, Harry's P.O.V)

Bella and I spent most of detention scrubbing up all of the mess from our class (mostly caused by Emmett). She was pretty upset, mainly because she and Edward had gotten into a fight. I suppose it had something to do with me, but I wasn't going to gloat about it.

"I think we're done!" Bella said after clearing up the puke mess. "Ugh…Malfoy really couldn't take Emmett's hiccupping solution…"

"Yeah we're done," I said happily, gazing directly at Bella. She wasn't that bad looking with her long brown hair and big brown eyes. She was quite pretty…

"Oh no, Snape is gone," she said in a worried tone. "He will be upset if we leave without him telling us to."

"Who cares?" I said. "Let's just go anyways."

"Edward will get upset at me if I get even more in trouble," Bella said.

"So?" I replied. "He doesn't control you!"

"I guess you are right," she said with a smile. "Let's get out of here. I hate being down here; it's bad enough we have to spend time here in class."

"Yeah," I said. "We should leave."

After that was said, I took Bella's hand. She blushed, but did not protest. I pulled her out of the dungeon and she followed behind me as I led us to the Gryffindor tower. I was really starting to warm up to the idea of having her as my tutor…

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(General P.O.V)

Harry and Bella quickly made their way upstairs. They were close to the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"I know a short cut," Harry said, "just follow me."

Bella nodded her head and skidded after Harry. She frowned as she realized that the short cut was particular dark hallway.

"Harry, I can't see anything here," she whispered.

"It's alright, I'll light my wand," he answered. "_Lumos_, there we go."

The tip of Harry's wand ignited and sent a thin stream of light reflecting onto the walls. Bella followed Harry and the light, but suddenly stopped because she had tripped on something.

"Oh..oh no," she said.

"Are you okay?" Harry asked.

"Yeah," she whispered. "Oh it's just a crack in the floor that I tripped over. Stupid thing."

Harry helped her up and then abruptly froze. He could hear noises in the hallway. Without asking Bella whether she heard this or not, he made his way to the location where the noises were. They were not the only ones in this hallway.

Extremely curious, Harry used his wand in order to see more clearly. He could hear the noises a little more clearly.

"Oh god…oh yes," said an oddly familiar female voice. "Yes..yes..please more…"

From the light of his wand, Harry was able to see who the other people were. Hermione was pinned up against the wall with her legs tightly around Edward Cullen's waist. His hand was up her skirt; she was rocking her hips against him.

Blushing furiously, Harry turned away from the sight of the two of them and followed Bella, who was now running down the hallways; she had seen and heard everything as well.

Once they made their out of the hallway, Harry snaked an arm around Bella's shoulders. She was hunched up against a wall, crying.

"How..dare..he.." she choked out. "I…gave…him…my HEART!"

"I'm so sorry Bells," Harry said as soothingly as possible.

"That _whore_," she spat. "She said she didn't even find him attractive! THAT LIAR!"

"Bella, I know you're hurt…" Harry said. "But we should go back up to Gryffindor tour, it would be better if you –"

Bella interrupted him by grabbing him forcefully. Before she did anything else she muttered, "Two can play that game."

She then pulled Harry into her arms and pressed her lips against his. Harry was completely caught off guard by this, but didn't protest. He kissed her back, and soon, the two were wrapped around each other.

Meanwhile, in a secluded corner, Carlisle stood with Dumbledore as they watched Bella and Harry making out.

"This is not what we expected," Carlisle said.

"Not at all my friend," Dumbledore replied, "but if this is how it will start…"

"Should we leave them be?" Carlisle asked.

"Yes," Dumbledore whispered. "We shall only let the fate of the prophecy take place."

END OF CHAPTER.

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**If you leave a review, I promise to post up chapter two**


	2. Yo

Bellatrix Lestrange, the official Queen of Bitches, went to see her greatest love and master: The Dark Lord Voldemort. He had requested a special service for her and told her that she was the only one who could fulfill it. With a gleeful smirk, she entered in the really dark and scary cave in order to speak to her fish-faced master.

Once she entered the room, she was greeted by a beautiful voice.

"Whore, why you took so long!?" Voldemort screamed. "I is waiting for you alls day and alls you did wss keep me waiting! How dare you???? CRUCIO!"

Bellatrix screamed, but not from pain, from pleasure, because she was masochistic like that, and really weird like that.

"M-my lord," she gasped out. "I w-was g-getting the guests! They are here!" Bellatrix knew that Potter had put a special curse on Voldemort by mistake during their duel at the cemetery, which in turn made him speak like a Hip-Hop star/House elf/ idiot.

"Well tells them to wait!" he screamed. "I is doing my exercises and Nagini needs to lose some weight! The bitch is gettings fattts!"

"Yes my Lord," Bellatrix said with a bow. She waited and watched the Dark Lord with extreme interest. He was scooting down on the floor and jumping up into the air repeatedly, He had pretty long black robes on and very red eyes; not like the Vampires who drink human blood, but like the crazy people who use Horcruxes and murder people. His face looked green, smooth and shiny…Bellatrix knew this because Voldemort had asked her to wax his face; he gets really hairy around winter time.

"Puts my musix on yo," he screamed.

"Yes m'Lord," she muttered. Bellatrix walked over to the iHome on top of one of the rocks in the cave and began playing his IPOD (**A/N if anyone has a picture of an Ipod which they think can be owned by Voldemort, give me the link and I'll put it on my profile! **). The ipod said '_Property of The Dark Lord Beeatch"_. Bellatrix sighed as she read this and put on 'What's up people!?' by Maximum, The Hormone. Ever since The Dark Lord began watching Death Note, he requested this song to be played during his exercise time.

(*falsh back*)

"Light Yagami is the bitches yo!" Voldemort screamed while throwing his shoe at the television located in the cave while watching his favorite anime show, Death Note. "We should makes him a Death Eater yo."

"He's not real," Lucius Malfoy said. "He's…er…fake."

"Then we's should make L Lawliet a Death Eater," Voldemort screamed. "Yo."

"He's not real either," Lucius Malfoy replied. "Um…do you know that this show is fake? And plus, Light and L both die. " (**A/N OMG I am so sorry ya'll if you haven't watched Death Note and I ruined the series by putting this spoiler. It's a good anime)**.

"WHATZ!?" Voldemort whispered. "These bitches better bes real! AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Lucius cried and ran away, letting the killing curse bounce off the cave wall.

(*end of falsh back*)

"Omg's you did not justs members sthat Bella," Voldemort screamed. He used his special mind reading power in order to see what she was thinking. "Yous wants do die next?"

"No my Lord!" she protested. "But since you stopped exercising, you should really let the guests in!"

"Yo!" he whispered.

"Alright my lord," Bellatrix said with a bow.

It had been two years since Voldemort was hit by the terrible curse; but that did not matter. Right now she retrieved the guests and showed them to Voldemort.

"Whats you wants foolz," he screamed.

Three inhumanly beautiful Vampires entered the room; one really cute one with blond hair in a ponytail, a darker skinned one with dreads, and a pretty anorexic looking one with red long hair. James, Laurent, and Victoria.

"We are here because of your request," James said slowly, as if he was talking to an idiot. "You said that there were Vampires under Dumbledore's league and that you wanted Vampires to join the death eaters."

"Yo," Voldemort shouted.

"Er…I'm sorry..but what?" James said, blinking twice.

"I says yo bitch," Voldemort screamed.

"I…um,….what?"

"It's how he says yes…I think," Bellatrix interjected. "I already told you all about the curse that was put on him."

"Oh, that," James said. "Yeah….well…we're here to join the Death Eaters."

"Yo Bellatrix, gets my specials thingies," Voldemort cried out.

"But My Lord-"

"I says get it!"

"Alright…" Bellatrix skulked off and retrieved his special thingies and placed them around his neck.

"Now youi canst eats me," he said with a high cruel laugh.

Victoria gaped at Voldemort while Laurent chuckled. James was even more confused.

"Umm…what the hell?" he asked. Clearly, around Voldemort's neck was a crucifix, and a wreath of garlic.

"Yo," Voldemort said with a laugh.

"That doesn't work on us," Laurent said, still chuckling.

"WHAT!?" Voldemort said softly. "THAT BITCH DRACULA LIES TO ME!?"

"My Lord, I told you that was not Dracula," Bellatrix said with a whimper. "That was a hobo dressed in a tutu."

"Sos whatz?" Voldemort screamed. "Next thing you's tells me is that they canst turn into batz!"

Lucius Malfoy, who was sleeping next to Nagini, appeared out of the shadow and whispered something in Voldemort's ear.

"What about the sunlight?" Voldemort screamed, his voice curiously normal.

"No sir…they sparkle," Lucius said apologetically.

"WHATZ!? Next thing you's tell me iz that theys don't have fangz!"

"Um….they don't…" Lucius said, cowering away.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Voldemort whispered.

Lucius cried and ran away, letting the killing curse reflect off of Bellatrix's ass (it's made out of glass because she broke her butt after killing Sirius).

At this point, James, Victoria, and Laurent were very confuzled.

"So we established that we sparkle, have no fangs, and can't turn into bats," Victoria said coolly. "Now If you don't mind, we would like to know how we can help you."

"Youz is gonnaz bes in disguise bitch," Voldemort shouted. "We's got some Polyjuice Potion for yous."

"But who will we be under disguise as?" she asked.

"Yo," Voldemort screamed so loud, that his voice echoed throughout the cave walls. He pointed one of his really long and scray looking fingers at a trio who were tied up and unconscious. They were Ron Weasley, Seamus Finnigan, and Lavender Brown.

"You's is gonna take theirs hairs and drinks this butt-tasting potion," he said. "Thens, you wills do everything in your power to keep Bella Swan and Harry Potter aparts you UNDERSTAND!?"

Victoria, James, and Laurent all smirked and nodded. "We will do as you say," they chanted together.

(Bella's Point of View)

I was so upset by the time I reached the Gryffindor common room. Harry told me that he caught Hermione and Edward having hot love making sessions in empty classrooms while Peeve the Poltergeist through several books at them called 'Twilight' (what kind of name for a book is that!?). He kept shouting "This is not CANON TO THE STORYLINE! IT'S NOT IN THE STORY!" over and over again. But what does he know? He's a stupid ghost anyways.

I like having Harry as a boyfriend, he was always nice to me and never cheated on me, UNLIKE EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN WHO SHOULD BE BURNED AND KILLED! I was so angry, that I could not finish my Charms homework. I shut the book and started to cry; he never even once tried to screw me but he can't stop screwing that bushy haired whore!

Harry, who must have seen me crying, came and put his arm around me.

"Forget about him," he said soothingly. "You are with me now. Plus, I need my tutor in order to me help me."

I looked up at Harry and stared at him. His black hair was messy, which was just like Edward's, and that made me cry even more. WHY MESSY HAIR WHY?

Harry cradled me in his arms and kissed my forehead…just like Edward used to. WHY FOREHEAD KISSES WHY? I cried even more.

"Stop crying please," he begged. "I know that deep down we will be happy together. Just forget about him."

"I c-can't!" I said. "I still love him, I'm sorry Harry."

Harry frowned and leaned in order to kiss me. In that exact moment, Lavender Brown popped up out of nowhere and yelled, "Harry has Herpes!" she then ran away, giggling.

"I don't have Herpes," he said quickly. "I swear!"

"I know you do not," I said. "I trust you…" Unlike Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, I thought angrily to myself.

"Good," Harry said with a cute grin. He pulled his lips onto my own and kissed me deeply.

I could feel the breath leaving my lungs; my head started to spin.

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(General P.O.V yo)

Dumbledore and Carlisle secretly watched Harry and Bella making out again in the Gryffindor Common Room. Dumbledore shook his head and said, "Something strange is going."

Carlisle nodded. "Yes, they will make some skinny babies."

"Not that my friend," Dumbledore whispered, "but I think there are people within Hogwarts trying to tear Bella and Harry apart. I can't put my finger on it."

"We need to stop them then!" Carlisle said urgently.

"Yes we do," Dumbledore said quietly. "Yes we do…"

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

(Back to Bella's P.O.V yo)

"Do you smell that?" I asked Harry as soon as we broke apart from our fierce kissing

"What do you mean?" Harry asked.

"I think somebody passed some gas!" I cried out.

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(Voldemort's P.O.V)

Oh shiznack! I just farts really badly. Wait…whys the hells am I here? I gonna kill Lucius Malfoy! Stupid bitch, he don't know how to read maps!? Ohs nos…my plan is gonna b ruins if I don't get's out of here! I needs to Apparate!

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(Genral P.O.V)

Harry sniffed the air and smelled the foul odor as well. Then, exactly at that moment, a loud cracking noise emitted; it sounded as if someone had just Apparated! He knew that was impossible though. No one can Apparate or Disapparate into or out of Hogwarts.

Oddly enough, Peeves the Poltergeist was back again with a handful of books written by someone named 'J.K Rowling'. He started screaming again and yelling, "YOU DIRTY IDIOTS! THIS IS NOT HOW THE STORY GOES! NOOOOOO! STOP THE MADNESS! STOP IT I SAY!" And then he magically disappeared along with the books.

Ignoring the strange mishaps, Harry focused his attention on the new love of his life, Bella Swan. He smiled at her and whispered, "I need some help with my Charms homework you know."

Bella giggled. "Sorry Harry, let's do it together then."

Harry grinned and waved his wand. His Charms textbook flew out of his room and landed straight on his lap. Harry pulled his quill out and grabbed a roll of parchment.

"Let us get started then," he said happily.

Bella began to read to read a passage out of her own textbook out loud. Harry listened intently and began to take notes. He smiled inwardly; he was secretly enjoying the sound of her voice. He then began to wonder what it would sound like if they got into a really hot and heavy situation. Harry knew that Hermione was a screamer, especially after seeing all of the action she was getting with Edward by **accident**. He wanted to know if Bella was a screamer. There was only one way to securely find this information out; he would have to have a man to Vampire conversation with Edward.

Of course this would be much later…maybe five minutes from now…or two….doing homework was starting to get really boring. He would have to corner Edward somewhere and make sure Hermione was not around to listen. She can really be a blabbing friend at time; speaking of friend….where the hell is Ron? He has been missing for three days now, but Harry did not care. He was more interested in cookies right now, and speaking to Edward, which would of course happen either two or three minutes, or five..from now.

**Yo, I knows I did not makes this chappie long, but ifs you leave more reviews than lastz time, I promise to update faster and make a chapter three lol. **


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